Just Me - Sharing personal things...

All writing and Photos

Shared here are written, photographed

& owned by me.

Daniel J. Smith

please visit my Photography site at

http://www.djsmithphotography.blogspot.com/

 * Please scroll down to continue your visit

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Recollection well

A dream felt

as though real

Like dipping cool clean water

From a black deep well..

Pulling it up so far..

Mists rising from

the echoing walls

of times lost

These ideas, feelings.

so precious.

as vital water.

Like life energy.

So central to survival.

One time you knew me

That now

we’ve gone beyond

Our past bodies,

like dry leaves

fallen from branches

Renewing the cycle

on the forest floor

A shift like the light,

From morning ..to night

You told me then..

In words that now

I can’t recognize

A language foreign ..

A feeling so deep

How nothing would stop .

A fading Vision

like a glimmering mirage.

I see through

this current view

make out a distant memory

Transparent and faded,

But embedded clearly

In my heart.

Similar to your face now

it was so true

And I see you ,

when I look close

Deeply in your eyes

Beyond the days before

In another time.

Lives crossed like tapestry

And woven together
from strings of hope
worn thin from time.

Yarns of pure love

entwined into the collective whole .

We embraced then

in some dark fire lit castle

Echoes of forgotten moments

…And now in this eve

On your bedroom floor

In the light of your laptop.

Your smell remains the same.

Your hands feel the same

And I recall

Only my need of you

In my life a way

As if my breath in my lungs.

That seems constant

…right and fulfilled

Good and solid

I don’t want to know the ending..

This day.

I have faith in this

Time has seen

And will be true

This has always been

Us.
My life with you. 

DJS
9-10

------------------------------------------------------\

Old Family Tree 

 

There’s an old tree

Been there for all time,

roots go so deep

They hang down
into the morning sky

Above the place

where I was born
 into this earth

and below Where

We all will return one day.

 

It shape is telling, broken and craggy

But its history, more so

As it yearns to reveal
all of its precious stories

Seed brought here

From across seas rough and cold.

Years as many as its rings unfold

We, as branches sprout and reach

Toward our loves, dreams our destinies

rain washes over
like tears from joy

Watering down from heavens care.

All directions, tangled but together

And in learning they are bent

With weights of snows

Broken by winds of trials

And roots exposed by lean days

Still it stands, as we are all part

It has many scars but

Some like hearts -carved in youth,

Some of lightning,

broken hearts that tear.

 

It also has many leaves
 new growth

With blooms to share

 

Days unfolding us into the future

As we are carried on,

all a Part of its trunk

Love , a lifetime to bear.

Until the fall days when we take our turn

Falling , dry and lifeless
waiting for the long winter

Frosty were held near her bosom

until we are gathered
together all

Home at the hearth of her

warm soils we become
that feed and nurture

The next part carries on

A tree now hewn by hand 

as A cross

 for all ages and trials

bearing the weight

 of A forgiveness and sacrafice
so big

real love

Reborn anew

With hope.

-DJS-

2010 

_________________________

  1000  Days of Longing

Lost in a heat wave
of mid July
The thick humid air


Fills my nose with scents

Of beach, seawater, sweat,
 green grass and sex
once innocent, 

fast days of warm summer 

music, food & a long lazy afternoon,

spent far from prying eyes.
On old flannel blanket
In tall grass fields

along the dusty dirt road…
nearby the sea-blue waters edge
New youthful travels..

A journey of unending,

tumultuous adventures
To yet another new destination.

Tan bodies and fine bones
With nothing to do but learn
Experience, days with time to burn
…
in every corner on earth, it goes on,
right now somewhere.

Hot sun reflecting on tight, slippery skin,
warm breeze releases the essence
of patchuli musk tangled in your hair.

Lost, In these tall green grass moments.
Hands wringing in anticipation,
Toes curling in ecstasy,

Mouths gaping, wide open
As if feasting,
Thirsty for this fix
Drinking it all in, taking it slow.

Love junkies..

Cigarette smoke curling upward

In darkened rooms
Filling the air with it's dry mist.
as the unspoken truths
 fall to the floor
in secret in passion

All this, and never is it enough,
To make up for

 losses gained…

Knowing that tomorrow,
This black snaking line of a road
Beckons me on again,
Calling me to travel on.
1000 more days of longing to bear..
under a sky so big, so blue
through valleys too cold, too dark
over mountains so tall.

Again, all alone…
a life too far detached ,
always longing…
for home…
for just one lasting taste,

of A single
true love.

DJS
4-2000

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Here I am, again…

 

By bus, in a car, a plane or boat..

I am here
Yet again
No matter how it goes ,
How it comes.
It always Ends.
Return to what I know well
All I know for sure, its leaving time
Familiar distance from here to home..
need to be there ..stretched thin
By people..lies..greed
and a great divide
Between my values
and their need of things ,money
satiated by lustful desire
and the accompanying lie of unauthentic..life
lived vicarious via photos
in magazine ads , secret internet, on tv .
ones of too much, nothingness ,
but we weigh our lives worth
next to the mist of created realistic falsehood.
YOU can keep up with Joneses
I’m a Smith
And am taking this exit
while I’m Still ME.
Thanks for setting my trajectory on course
It seems i was lost.
I Slammed into a dream that
Will never be.
I am real, that’s where I belong.
On my own legs and my hard working hands.
Swimming through my own life,
bike through the confusion
run down my love of things , true.
Sometimes hard things are worth the feelings
akin to wealth of joy.
Good-Bye competitive fakes –
who will never reach a real level
of honest living giving back to the whole
Yet.they pretend so well to be
Something else.
they cant see..the truth
They will never know
A calm beauty of the true
knowing and accepting

their own selves .

~DJS~

to Aunt Juli ~ My Tribute~ (Rest In Peace) xo

Angel with a broken wing

The sky is grey

a chill in the late springtime air,

yet, silent Snow will fall soon

I am sure.

Although I cant make sense of things,

For certain.

You aren’t here.

A Loss so deep, & numbing

do not want to believe it...is true,
I feel lost and cant think

I want to call, out to you

Silence in the woods

and a leaf blows into the river

Cold water of these lands

Where we grew up

shared much

the realness of Love, life, laughter and loss

aimless and weighless now
Floating upon the cold waters swift current

Farther away, until out of sight

Dry leaves, & things lost

Like I feel thinking of you tonight

Smell of summer in your hair,

Beautiful smile & your careless way

You taught me how to shine..

Shine and be real,

all the time.

I’m looking for direction

I hear the winds,

Pointing me to the pines
 out here in the country

..Whispering that you’re home

Held inside all that is true

With close family and friends.

All beauty that is you.

You taught us how to shine.

On a day calm and serene

we will all join hands Whole again ,

as the light will show

It will be seen.

Till then I know your there,

just above me,

Certain I can hear you there.

Laughing and caring

As you were here.

My angel~

With a broken wing.

I love you so Dear!

~~~~~~~~~~~

By: Daniel Smith

Juli-XO

5/09

Life is like ...

Photo By- daniel Smith

The Long Run.....

I woke up early today and needed to get in my long run... (feeling guilty for working too much, and not getting in my necessary workouts!)..anyway.

As I was starting my rolling 10 miler in the humid hot sun, I started to think about life, (mostly mine),lol,,,

...and as I ran I started to notice the peices of discarded trash and odd and end items that find thier way onto the burm of the road, and ditches out here in the middle of nowhere, Ohio country roads..

~first a wrinkled up note book page with ink handwriting smeared from the rain....made me wonder what it was?,,,what it said?...maybe it was the homework from some high school student that didnt get a good grade?? maybe a love note..? maybe a breakup letter?.. I guess it could have been anything.

Life is like a guessing game I thought, "you never know whats coming for YOU..!"

...so I continue on and start to see cigarette packs., ...tossed aside,( but too late) as it was empty.

Then i see beer cans, strewn about ,every so often , reminding me of my youthful ignorance and need to feel cool and out of touch... (man, Im glad i am old!)---and then here and there, empty bag of doritos, and cheeze puffs..(munchies??)--

- soon after that I almost slip on an unopened gold package of a prophylactic. -made me think again how lucky I am,,,(no need to explain here!) ...

then...close to mile 8, I see a ripped open box in the ditch..."EPT" on its side...Now that is uncanny I think!

~as I begin to think of these things ..Like life.. as they came up in the order they did. It told a story ..maybe one of bliss..maybe one now of fear and confusion..unknown future and maybe uncontrolled consequenses..It seemed like a sign..but Im not sure.

I felt grateful that I no longer worry about these things..

and how lost we are as youth, how fast life can change,,, If we arent careful....have no moral center..and how we need Good role models,,- I really want to be that.

~so think of you life like a long run.. dont waste time on idle things that harm, and especially never..ever.. litter.

daniel

Growing up & Looking back...

ME@ 21

 I am just reflecting..

remembering where I arrived here from .

All the thoughts of aging..and youth.

what I have done, learned and have seen.

years go so fast...

don't waste a minute!

I wrote this (below)-when i was younger...Above

and could still recall clearly the smells of longer days,

and tastes of things as a young man.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Crash
Moving fast, No direction,
Always speeding headlong
into the loose gravel roads of youth,
Hills and curves come up quickly,
Not prepared…
A look in the rear view,
too late to see anything,
Except the frozen look of disbelief,
on the frightened face of myself.
Once again, too late ; too fast.
CRASH...

silent slowmotion impact-
Strewn and shimmering in the hot sun,
Shattered glass of my world,
and dreams of the future,
Alongside twisted and torn metal of body,
still smoking,
With wheels still spinning in air,
like my ego.
And there , my soul,
lie crushed and bleeding,
in tall weeds of roadsides of youth,
better not visited.
Pulled from the wreckage, saved again
My spirit, close enough to witness,
another accident of my own ignorance.

as I come into my body again -realization..
Struggling to breath, undo the done.
Only wanting to stand,
whole and brilliant again.
I promise to myself, this time to learn.
These scars will always be,
Reminders of how far I've come
How far there is yet to travel.
This time slowly ,
Taking time to see.
To learn.

what ...whom, ~I have lost.

and will never forget.
-

Photo of me by Kevin Curran.
chicago
1992;

1-93DS

Resurrection Fern...and ..Of things Forgotten.

Resurrection : a returning or bringing back to practice, notice or use.

I considered this thought, and named this post after my favorite Iron and Wine song, (CLICK- the RED-Title Above to veiw and hear the song..truley extraordinary!!)
..but the more and more I thought about this name the more confident I became that it was well chosen.

~~ The resurrection fern (polypodium polypodiodes) is an airplant that attaches itself to other plants and gets nutrients from the air, water and outer surface of the bark of trees. It can survive long periods of drought by curling up and appearing dead but then it only takes a little sprinkle of water and it unfurls and comes alive. Amazing enough these plants can live 100 years without water and resurrect with only one soaking. They even took one of these little plants on a space shuttle mission to see if it could resurrect at zero gravity and guess what , it did. Another thing I love about this plant is that it is often found with two of my favorite things spanish moss and white pine trees.

...........................................

~~At any rate it reminds me of An ability we seem to have to try to foget things, (maybe intentionally or maybe out of unspoken neccesity) and how Love (like water) can revive so many things in our lives,, Passion- I believe is what life SHOULD Be, and It only takes Love and a bit of attention to create , that which makes life beautiful... and whole.

~"In the midst of the "winter" of our lives we may find hope,and rediscover a forgotten love, a Life renewed...by opening our hearts and minds to the "warm sun" , a sprinking of waters of truth , honesty and passion"...DJS~

So- Take some moments to consider your life, what it is you DO, what your actions toward things REALLY feed into-?

~What do You truley love?,Maybe an ignored talent-?

Try to see If you would not be better off sprinkling water on those things and seeing them unfurl.. and really experiencing a fulfilled way of Living .

~Daniel

Through Winter

We are changing ;

sometimes unseen.
a constant renewal
as a tender shoots, in the woods
wintertime takes from spirit
as we dry up and shrivel
become part of its cold embrace .
disappearing for a time
a darkened thoughtless slumber ..
and in a new day,
warmer than now..
like a magical spark
it brings forth a new unfurling arm
a kiss we never knew felt like this.
a new look at a day
in front of you
and what it can be as
holding another’s hand
love with the suns warm rays on your face
like a resurrected winter fern
now full
bloom and ready to live
in summer breezes and
full up to share
beauty within our new world
now seen after the snows melt
watering roots eager to grow.
anew together
with its past afoot
dry leaves ,like tinder
blowing around the forest floor
Dangerous reminders,
where we come from
and the birds fill the air
with song.
As I reach upward
Soaking up the love.

How well do you Adapt....in your "Becoming"....?

Photo By; Daniel Smith-(Miami)2008

"We are all works of Art, In progress" ~ DJS

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~ I wrote this , while considering All the things we go through (good and bad) the people we live with,or seperate from, those places we live in and how they embed themselves into our lives. Ultimately changing the arch of ourselves, who we are depends on HOW we adapt to lifes lessons and experiences,, It is in the reacting that WE Choose, to be either a success or a failure .

It is always up to you!

Peace-Love-Joy

My Vine Adapting

We are let into this field
of storms and sun,
As fruit , slowly swelling
Plumping on the vine,
The stems of our lives feeding us,
Up from the nutrients of earth,
Of People we meet -lives we touch.
Hearts we swim deeply into…
All Pulled Up from our roots,
a history we are guided from.
Our direction, apt to change
upon the environment we occupy,
need to bend and sway,
to survive, grow.
Through the thickness and brambles
obstacles that we cross,
As multi-dimentional beings.
Malleable we must be
if we are to prosper,
must always reach toward the light .
while…struggle to fight
the constant temptation
the dark urges of gravity
pulling you downward,
so easy to give in..
the power to overcome ….it molds us
we give in and conform
as much as we can stand
will we remain true ?
at times…
splitting spirit from soul
body from needs.
I revel in a day fulfilled
Doing that which makes me closer ..
To my gifts, my calling.
The cause to love fully
A drive to be whole inside and out.
Without loosing to much to change,
That I may become
unrecognizable to myself,
I pray…when the time comes
Where you reach for me,
To anchor your heart,
In my clear waters.
That then I will realize ,
This vine has found its garden
our roots will be finally quenched
and the beautiful blooms of life
unfold toward the waiting suns embrace.
Fulfilled and beautiful ,
As was promised long ago.
Ds
11-05

Wading through skeletal remains of the past...Re-considering

Photo & Poem By; Daniel -1/20
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Suttle Giants

I touch down in a valley
where blackbirds gather on the wind,
Nomadic travels have pulled me
towards you, guided here.
with symbols, signs and numbers
ushering my path westward,
to become lost in these
suttle hills and valleys
these ghostly giants ,
watching from the distance,
keeping you here safely hidden,
like the mysterious quiet,
of the encroaching blanket fog,
Slowly carressing the orchards
and swallowing up the veiw.
cradling this ancient place, of distant ghosts ,
Hillsides rising softly, upward
Inspiring shadows and shapes of painted light,
ridges colored so pale by the coolness of the falling clouds,
enveloping their aching curves,
Making the colors of sky and earth melt into one
like new lovers, in a artists dream.
quietly grand and upward moving,
momentum of life.
these things, in these hills, of the west.
Where the distance grows
closer to seamlessness,
as your heart is to mine,
where I've been called
to feel grounded here, with you.
in your soft strong earthly arms,
mountains of ghostliness
intrigue tugging me into your valleys,
holding me tightly
side by side
to your honest heart,
wishing it never to end,
I am full inside with you,
As i had dreamed it would be.
Thank you.

-DJS-
2/05

Are you close to your goals....or are you..Miles Away

Photo; Daniel Smith ; 11/22/08

~~Lately... I have been thinking ,as we all do, from time to time ...What is it that drives each of us.? what do we really desire ? Out of our lives, both professionally and personally?

HOW DO WE BECOME...a success..????
 -to ourselves and to the world?

What sacrafices do we make to get that, which we have dreamt of since we can remember?

What things do we omit from our lives , in order to get that thing, to reach our highest mark?, to dare to try to aim ...far outside our comfort "box", further than we ever thought we were capable of.?

~We get One Life here...how do you choose to use your "voice"?-How you live, is your responsibility, what you allow your Life to become is in your Making, dont fret only over making money, it never lasts...But If..we all do that which we are passionate about, the world will make more sense, give each of us true riches, and become a better place for us all...Happy.

Ask yourself, Are you making a real effort to become your Dreams? or are you JUST making excuses??

:)   reach for the stars my friends!

To Be Grateful...

VAGABOND

Sometimes we all get lost in the woods...

-If you live In the Northern tier of our country, (as I do) , you no doubt have experienced the NEW ICE AGE, we have been having this past week. It has been reaching Tepms down to -25 at night and highs some days at 1' F. ! -ok, so this isn't the first time, but it seems It has been a long time! Im seriously considering the fact that Indians and cave men lived in this stuff!?? damn! It also brings to mind, Those unfortunate People who have nothing at all, and are out on the streets and My heart wishes it could do someting ...

While I was living in NYC it always amazed me , How many people were on the streets there, and how they got there, Im sure most were unfortunately there due to mental illness and need for medication (that are not affordable to them) .One time I sat down with a pregnant girl , she was 17 and had no shoes and was just staring ahead with out any expression. it was frightneng the conversation we had, about her life and losses at her young age.. I gave her what I could and made a point to pass by her corner, on the way to work daily, to check on her...Keep them in your prayers, and hopeully this cold will let up.

*Here is a poem I wrote after my talk to her that day...in 2001.

~A reminder to be grateful for all the things we have daily, that some go without everday.

Vagabond
I see you in myself,
Sitting there on the cold street.
Smelling of the earth,
scars on your feet.
I see me in your eyes,
A blankness of seeing too much,
A heart too full of tears
Detached from years
without anyone's touch.
An Urchin,
living from primal needs,
Surviving on borrowed time.
As walking ghosts.
Seeing life as a scrapbook of memories,
That no-one would believe.
Except for those who have shared,
These streets with me,
Fought valiantly for their beliefs,
Held the hand of my soul…
And drank deeply from the well
of another humans heart.
As I have.

~hold on

help is on the way...
I pray

Ds
4-01

My Story... ("all you wanted to Know about me"...an essay)

Photo by; Daniel Smith...1/15/09

~~~~~~click yellow link below -(scroll to grey text to read)-~~~~~~~~~~~~

http://danieljs111.blogspot.com/search?updated-min=2008-01-01T00%3A00%3A00-05%3A00&updated-max=2009-01-01T00%3A00%3A00-05%3A00&max-results=3

LIVING INSPIRATION !.......Are you?

Double click on Image, to see video of the blog

..."The World Is Full of people who can "Talk the Talk"..... BUT..How many of US can truley say "We walk the Walk"... (*Madonna...)

 

...Ok, so Today snow..cold as Hell and Im not motivated to deal with it, so (Luckily My brother bought a new treadmill for Xmas here!) and as I embarked On my 9 mile run in the comfort of a warm home and with the sweet big screen plasma TV with full digi surround sound..Its def SWEET!---

Heres something to Ponder~~~

Are you "Living to LIVE", or are you "Living to Die"?...

~~~~~~~~~

---I chose to watch My ( "closet motivator" ) *the 2007 Concert from Madonna on Her Confessions of a Dance Floor ,Live London tour (sounds totally Gay ...right!?)-Ok, so maybe a little, ...But ,I had to mention this Because it really does get me pumped up, and Seriously Motivated about what your life is , what one person can do and ..Oh yea- what a smokin' body and career of a 50 yr old hot sister! ..( she really kicks ass on this) (for real..what other current artist (at even 21 yrs old) has the stamina, creativity or staying power to be around 25 + yrs,, My guess ..Not many !),, I highly reccomend it to anyone in the winter time blues.. needing a new perspective...If you don't get Her, well all I can say is.. you need to stop being a closed minded, Ignorant Hater..lol--(It's available on www.amazon.com) I can plug this,, because (if you didnt know this) I was on her payroll for a time in my life..:)

---anyway ..it made me think of the Bigger picture of Motivation, and What it means to be inspiring and make a difference with the Life we are given here... I am one who has always believed that we are all Dying .(it is the reality of Mortality)-this is inescapable...so What we do with our Time, our daily actions, our presence in each moment that we occupy.. What we GIVE BACK, and how we inspire those in our lives, to Be their BEST and to try Harder or reach deeper.. IT matters NOT, WHAT WE SAY,, But WHAT WE DO! -Im so sick of talk,,, forget it,, Just do!

----It is ...Ultimately this,, that makes us who we are (NOT how much $ we can get-or the things that we can gather for ourselves), It's Time NOW-To stop being so secular peeps! It is your ONE LIFE! we are all part of the whole ..Together... so remember to be grateful, passionate about what you do , and do what you love ..stop wasting time trying to be what OTHERS want of you.. That is NEVER important.! ok..Enough said... (think the lack of oxygen in here is getting to me ,,,,Hahaha

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

These are some things That I am inspired by ;

**My friend Yvonne, as a mentor and Mom/wife and athlete, she gives it all, and she still has time for me( her friendship is unconditional). thats hard w/ me! (LoL)

** My friend Jesse, who has been an amazing dancer and Model her entire life, and now is struggling with a very serious case of Rhumatoid Arthritis (at the young age of 30) but still runs. does yoga/pilates and models . (all while enduring constant bone aching pains )and while raising her son (as a single Mom) and smiles so beautifully and graciously.

** all the people in my life (Family and friends) who are courageous in their every day life , and in the little things they do for me and others..Inspiring me to become ,,the better me.

** People who live without needing to say Im sorry.

** people who go beyond themselves constantly for the bigger good. (and much more)

--and of course MUSIC..

heres my new Mantra in video form -(from the above mentioned video)

****Check it out below here ****

MADONNA- LIVE!

 

Iron and Wine --
(video and song)...one of my Fav bands!
link , click below ;
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nd-A-iiPoLg


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

``````````````````````````````````````

My trail of crumbs

What to feel ,where to go
Keep it all close
To your spirit
Let it glow
Who to trust
Who to love
Its all so much to find a way through.
Time opens her wings
To allow life to soar
Farther up you get
Faster you go
more you miss
Happy isn’t as full …
when your alone
But fear not ~
Anything , anyplace anyone
The simple beauty of a moment shared
An honest touch, a feeling ,
appreciation for more than ourselves.
A memory or an act,
making a tear well.
We are all a piece
Growing into the bigger fabric
panels of the night sky
strokes of paint-
in the red desert walls.
A moment to sing along
with the birds as they depart
South for another season.
Where we are
Who we become
and how we love
As you must be true to your heart
Always follow its fingers
As it drops crumbs in many forms
onto your trail …
This is true Faith
Is the becoming ,
Uncontrollable and blessed
The reason were on route
To a pure heart, filling up
high on life's peace.

*Peace

-Ds-
12/08
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Old family Tree

There’s an old tree
Been there for all time,
roots go so deep
They hang down into the sky
Above the place
where I was born to the earth
and below Where
We all will return one day.
It shape is telling, broken and craggy
But its history more so
As I recall the stories it reveals
Seed brought here
From across seas rough and cold.
Years as many as its rings unfold
We as branches sprout and reach
Toward our loves and dreams
Watering down from heavens care.
All directions, tangled but together
And in learning they are bent
With weights of snows
Broken by winds of trials
And roots exposed by lean days
Still it stands, as we are all part
It has many scars but
Some like hearts carved in youth,
Some of lightning,
broken hearts that tear.
It also has many leaves and new growth
With blooms to share
Days unfolding us into the future
As we are carried on,
Part of the trunk
Love , a lifetime to bear.
Until the fall days when we take our turn
Falling waiting for the long winter
Frosty were held near her bosom
until we are gathered
Home at the hearth of her
warm soils that feed and nurture
The next part carries on
A tree now shaped as
A cross from age and trials
Reborn and anew
With hope.

~DJS~

*"all you ever wanted to know about me"- a short story about Daniel

Self Portrait :photo by me

I was asked to write an Intro for a "book' project I am working on (my life and photog.) and this is it...

(don't be a hater!") haha

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

How we come to be…

I was born and raised on a small farm in Brownhelm Township, In Ohio's coastal region of the central Lake Erie basin.
Unfortunately, like many young creative types, I had been teased from a young age for my slight abnormalities of reason, some of which were obviously going to be a challenge in my life. Topping the list of these was my obscure sense of style and my non-orthodox approach to almost everything I attempted. Other issues I had to deal with were the questionable nature of my being. For instance, I had been called a pretty girl while holding the door for an elderly lady at a supermarket, (which was not necessary), she soon regretted that statement.

I also was quite defeating to my Father's Ego, who's dream it was to see me play football or basketball on a college team. I can't forget how much he cried when I asked for figure skates for Christmas so I could "make it to the Olympics". I was made fun of at school (?) for performing in my front yard with my sister, our newest gymnastics routines. We would spend hours planning and practicing our tumbles..strategically for when traffic had to stop at the stop sign, stuck there to witness our sweet cross tumbling, with multiple gravity defying flips over our Mothers stained couch cushions, dragged out and lined up in the front yard and ending in unbelievable hyper extending splits!

Although, I did end up running cross country and Track in High School, (more for the love of one on one competition) , I was to be the clown of the team and make people laugh at my antics. I ended up later in life finding triathlon, Its draw is its toughness and deep reaching pain that makes you know the real you, pushes you beyond what you thought you could do and gives perfectly ligitimate ways to be nearly naked in public..and still feel Like a "real"-tough guy...I will always be a Triathlete.

I had a very early desire to become a part of the fashion business (?) Not sure if it was my uncanny ability to make all of my sisters barbies not only look like well worn dykes, with newly shorn, close cropped hair do's, cut with my Mothers kitchen scissors..they were always creating high drama, screaming and carrying on..ending all too often in a horrible "mattel Barbie*Jeep crash or all girl fist fight brawl..(lol)

On some level, I guess it was inevitable that I would begin fur trapping at 9 yrs old , (seeing that we lived on a small farm with chickens, cows, pigs and horses and a dozen or so mangy cats and dogs donated by various rusty cars stopping on the street corner late at night) We lived in the country on a small river and had a small lake that I unknowingly purged of most fur bearing animals in order to make some small money and call a hobby.. (No one ever told me that killing fox , raccoon ,mink and muskrat was not normal in the eyes of the rest of the world), although I was sure some supermodel somewhere was on set in one of my luxurious pelts ,chain smoking cigarettes and living the "high as a kite" life. (I have to laugh  sometimes now, as I look back at my ignorant blissful life as a small town boy). "We are what we are…"

   I was also laughed at by my siblings (older brother and younger Sister) for pretending to take photos of nearly everything with my "*camera"…(*my fingers fashioned into a loupe that I had to peer through, and upon my tongue making a clicking sound it then transferred the image into a digital file in my brain somewhere)…
Because of which, I was thought to be possessed in church , and was excommunicated from the catholic mass many times , ..my plan was genius! { I mean why did these people dress this way to make me have to document them ?? Was It really may fault?} .Surprisingly I turned out NOT to be a paparazzi !

I was a good artist in high school with some pieces in the traveling state art show (paint and sculpture), but I stumbled into an accidental bliss, when the regular photographer for our very small high school's yearbook, moved to another state abruptly, and I was the only person they could think of to ask to take over the photography position…(by small HS I mean, 78 in my graduating class!)
So with my 35mm automatic Kodak, I was off and running, (although in retrospect, I lost most of my HS friends due to the fact that that years yearbook (my senior year) ,was more of an expose' on who I liked, who was ugly, who was closeted but obvious, who were friends of mine and what sports I liked or not.. I felt it was unfair to try to filter or corral my new found artistic expression and political views. Good thing that was only High school! Yea right.

I had many girlfriends in High School, and was talk of the town as I finally started to grow into my body, although I never had a girlfriend longer than 2nd base.., I should have known I was in trouble when I would gladly help them get ready for our date with makeup and hair styling tips…My life was just starting to become confusing .

I had been taught by the Catholic Church that I was an abomination, and I must be converted to "normalcy". After years of archeological unearthing of my sexuality, these many years later, I am left still a bit jaded by all of the weighty guilt, embedded deeply by social pressure of faith, family and friends. Can't I just be me??? Haha.

I unexpectedly joined the US Army as a combat medic the moment I graduated from High School.( It was my reaction to having gotten too drunk at one late night party,(almost badly hurting a close friend), and thus hating myself, and forcing this self inflicted pain.(I needed to grow up), I knew it .
I served until I was 20 (3 years), right as the war in the Gulf was heating up and they decided to call me up to re-enlist into a combat war situation. Unfortunately, I had to tell them that I had other more noble plans and regretted that I couldn't be of more help.

Back to Ohio I went, and upon my first free summer on the Lake, I was approached by a lady in a bar (go figure) …who asked me to pose for some photographs with her the next afternoon. (I happily agreed, after asking her if she'd buy me a beer.. ) She called me weeks later to tell me that a New York model agent friend of hers, wanted to meet me, so I felt obliged. ( we met for drinks and of course..we got along very well ). So afterward, I was coerced into representing the agency at some big fashion model competition, to find the new and upcoming top models in the USA. (ha ha, *reminder I was a farm kid from nowhere whom just got out of the Army…I really knew nothing about the real fashion world) .

Needless to say, I was at my best , "In my element", as they say, mostly because drinking large amounts of alcohol, smoking ,(anything ignitable) , as well as an overall liberty to be sexually and otherwise unaccountable and "free", was very popular with these people. It was no contest after all was said and done that week, I was honored with the title; "Male Model of the Year 1990". (what !?? TF!?)

I had a model contract. So they shipped me off to Europe (Madrid ,Spain) to begin building my model "book". With newly capped farm teeth and my portfolio to start a modeling career ( who..me?) It was a whirlwind. I did pretty good, other than the language barrier, (when I unknowingly ordered fried asshole) and got lost beyond any normal human measure, due to the lack of speaking any foreign languages other than Kentuckian and Texan.
I became a regular on the club scene and a vampire of sorts, living by night. I befriended many artists, stylists and photographers in the next so many years as I traveled from city to city, modeling and having to commit to other "odd and end" jobs to make rent.( In a way, legally prostituting myself in image form). It was (and still is) a blur, induced by many years of lost sleep, loud music, thrash/like dancing, very little money and not much to eat ,but plenty to drink and smoke. (oh dear Lord..what was I thinking?!)
What one goes through teaches valuable self lessons~!..I would not trade any of it, for anything.

I wasn't knowingly gathering any usable information or talent as things progressed, but being part of the scene, I guess I absorbed a lot of innate creativity as it pertains to fashion and photography. (maybe it was always in me?) I had a friend give me a simple 35 mm Pentax, and I stared to just try and create…that was the beginning.
Trial and error is an incredible teacher, but only gets you so far, so I went to a small liberal Arts college at 27; took art, design , photography and darkroom courses, (now almost entirely unnecessary). Little did we know then the digital age was coming up quickly and would change everything entirely, and thus we'd have to relearn (and re-purchase) Everything!

I took what I learned , and upon receiving an offer to Intern in Miami for the summer, as a model agent and test photographer, for the MTV Agency from "The Real World"~ I went for it. It was incredible to be a completely different part of the process, ("on the other side of the lens", as they love to say)..but it was corporate, and not very gratuitous toward one with a need in the "what about me!", department. I did very well, booking models and fast became friends with them, as I had been "one of them", We had so much fun,

I was becoming well known as a new upcoming top agent (who was still in college) I had helped to book many magazine,catalouge ads and D&G campaign, A&F catalogs and had just recently booked 3 men on the Versace campaign shoot ! *{I got invited to dinner by Donatella at her Miami Mansion} and I was literally a no one!. (I had to laugh)..It wasn't for real …was it? Sitting in what looked like a living version of the September issue Of American Vogue-laughing over dull conversations with Anna Wintour, and Steven Meisel..hanging out on the bathroom floor with the last CK campaigh models as they smoked..Kate Moss, and Naomi, Jason Lewis,Alex Lundquist and Mark Vanderloo and Ester Caneatas..air kissing Madonna and her girlfriends while pulling off the perfect act..out on the dance floor..haha REALLY?

"The Word" on the fashion street, is like negative gossip or an STD, It travels fast around the fashion industry. I was scouted by and hired into a top men's agency and brought to New York City, to help redevelop the then , top men's agency in the world. (Boss models).. I did, and within a year Test shot top models, worked with and crossed paths with the likes of celebrities as Calvin Klien,Madonna, Heath Ledger, Tori Amos, Whitney Houston (whom I shared a dance and some weed with) plus so many others.. and I also worked on booking advertising campaigns ,such as Valentino, CK , L'uomo Vouge , Guess, Ralph Lauren, Abercrombie, Vera wang, Luis Vuitton and booked almost every top runway show.

It all was too much work, and very little creativity, and I clashed badly with my Boss, David Bosman, (*whom I still am very grateful to and respect for his drive.) I needed a change, so I went to work for Celebrity Photographer, Bruce Weber, as an assistant and casting asst. Director-(for the A&F Catalouges and magazine editorials...that was a hard job! lol).
I did very well, although I learned a lot, I decided in the long run to depart, take the plunge and start my own photography business. I was scared and unprepared financially. As I began, the 9-11 attacks happened .(timing can be a real bitch!)-
It changed everything in the industry, (no one was spending money or hiring).

I had no sponsor, no money and I had no choice, I folded up shop and returned to Ohio, to re-evaluate my life.

In my remiss, I decided to refocus on me, I quit drinking, quit smoking and started training for triathlon, as a way to step back and become clear. I focused on healthy living and my spiritual beliefs (more Buddhist like now) to renew a passion for life itself. I have been sober for 8 years now, and have qualified for the national championships in triathlon, 4 times. It keeps me grounded and healthy.
I am starting to shoot more and become creative inside the new me.

I am learning that Age magnifies our needs and our dislikes, and finding the balance is the true challenge of making an honest living.
Learning from everything and trusting my instincts, all happens for a reason.
I am still becoming.

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…"Life is like your "Grandma's"-Favorite Christmas cookie,…That without the delectable icing and giggles of colorful sprinkles.-.it would otherwise be a dry piece of crap."

Daniel Smithdanieljs111@aol.com